ever get an e-mail from BOB@genius.com, you thinl i,m off meds, this guy is so high, he can,t see the sky.

-- al-d. (catt@zianet.com), June 10, 1999

Answers

You mean you're not related? WOW

-- Gia (Laureltree7@hotmail.com), June 10, 1999.

of course we,re related..remember adam & eve?? hi, sis.

-- al-d. (catt@zianet.com), June 10, 1999.

Who is Bob@Genius.com and how on God's green earth is that even remotely connected to Y2K? I've tried to stretch the envelope to give you the benefit of the doubt even so far as to see if any of the letters in Bob@Genius.com are either a Y, a K or even a number 2.........

But no......not a sausage........

Perhaps you have not been here long enough to remember the teachings of the SPOON......but trust me, you are perilously close to receiving the teachings of the SPOON......

-- Craig (craig@ccinet.ab.ca), June 10, 1999.

Give 'em tha spoon........

-- Lisa (lisa@oneida.silver), June 10, 1999.

Craig.....teachings of the "SPOON"?

scratching head......

-- MidwestMike_ (midwestmike_@hotmail.com), June 10, 1999.

Craig, They don't want the SPOON.....more the Shovel !

-- Chris (griffen@globalnet.co.uk), June 10, 1999.

I've got the day off tomorrow and my wife is in England on holidays so the odds say that I'll have the time and the desire to bring on round 2 of teachings of the SPOON, this time for al-d, tonight sometime.........

-- Craig (craig@ccinet.ab.ca), June 10, 1999.

Insert jingle now....."sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't"!

-- loon e. tune (call me cr@zy.com), June 10, 1999.

Loon e tune.....If you're going to give directions like 'Insert Jingle now' at least specify what body cavity we're supposed to be using........

-- Craig (craig@ccinet.ab.ca), June 10, 1999.

WILL YOU BE READY??

WILL YOU HAVE AN "OUT" WHEN THE WHOLE THING BLOWS??

Join the Church and DISCOVER YOUR DESTINY. "Turn yourself in" to the the Throne Office of DOBBS for metapsychic emaculatory trance processing, computerized Blemish Reading analysis, and divinely inspired psycholiterary interpretation of your tridigital Anality Trait Answerraire read-out. Journey to our glamorous "New Jerusalem," DOBBSTOWN, in the jungles of Malaysia, for your "Initiation." There, the Doctors for "Bob" and their Tibetan advisors will 'whiffread' your Psy-Stench AuraAmbience with secret devices invented by the Child "Bob" at age 6. With the Bionebulizer you can "loop" into your Code-Self, as well as those of others! Ever wanted to triple your sales ability by watching the collective unconscious like a TV show? Sure you have. NOW IT CAN BE DONE. And once properly "tagged," your various souls will actually shine off into outer space like a beacon, making a better target for the "All Seeing Eye" above to zero in on! Just sign the coupon at the back of this booklet. You don't even have to mail it in. Just hold it near a mailbox, touch your genitals and think Dallas -- and "Bob" will answer your prayer.

YOU'LL BE WAVING TO THOSE PINKS FROM THE X-SHIP, ON YOUR WAY TO PARADISE WHILE THEY COOK BELOW IN A HELL OF THEIR OWN MAKING!!

You may be suffering under many potentially dangerous misconceptions about The Church of the SubGenius. This isn't some small-time mail- order comedy publisher working on a miniscule budget out of an anonymous garret, but a powerful conglomerate of talented, wealthy professional abnormals with state-of-the-art equipment, living it up in a downtown Dallas skyscraper.

And that's only The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Our publications are merely the TIP of a ROGUE ICEBERG of real-world activism by thousands of uncontrollable "Zombies for "Bob". It's way too late for us to stop them now... The World SubGenius Church relentlessly replicates itself in loathsome tenements, in basements and attics, in mansions and igloos, everywhere, but grows like a cancer best right in the wholesome breadbasket of America. Packs of untamed SubGenii run amok in sick "Gut Blowout" party/rituals; "Bob" rises leering over a lurid post-1984 landscape like a transcendent, mutated Alfred E. Newman, the "New Man," his Face stencilled on overpasses, the nameless cry of the rebel forces -- "SLACK!" -- scrawled across abandoned 7-11s...

Finally the masses will learn what they need. At this writing there are many thousands of $30 ordained, subscribing ministers of the church, and easily ten times that many less affluent but still valiant Warrior-Brainwashers for "Bob." Weekly SubGenius radio ministries infect many cities, and the Media Barrage Tapes are heard on hundreds of independent and pirate stations around the world.

There are stupid; and Conspiracy manufacturers illegally selling bootlegged "Bob" T-shirts and buttons. We've held successful (and lucrative!) revivals at the hepper nightclubs, "dives," junkyards and art museums around the country, some of which have erupted into near- riots of hilarioreligious ecstacy; Church-affiliated bands carry the message to the lost souls of the younger generation -- someday, "DRS. FOR 'BOB'" will be bigger than the Beatles. Many yearly conventions and secret Conclaves of The Elect have been perpetrated (and documented by numberless uncomprehending media parasites); McGraw- Hill published (then suppressed!) our huge "HORROR BIBLE," THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS; we have been investigated by The Secret Service, the Dept. of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, the FBI and the CIA, and probably the Men In Black (FUCK YOU, ALIEN SHIT-MONKEYS!).

There are many specialty Clenches and offshoots: gay, Black, even feminist and Christian! The Clergy includes many famous rock stars, artists, outlaws, freaks of nature, plus untold thousands of obscure burn-outs , old folks, street bums, prisoners, nobodies, and "NICE FAMILIES".

This is the World's First Industrial Church: NOT TAX EMEMPT -- because "Bob" is a patriot, and doesn't believe that taxpayers should have to subsidize religions they might not happen to believe in.

There are ENTIRE BUSINESSES devoted to Dobbs, bars and children named after him, jobs quit for him; his face is tatooed on the butts of hookers and the puds of bikers; tiny ads for the Church are stuck to bar restroom mirrors and bus station phone booths everywhere... hints of Dobbs have shown up airburshed into album covers, on MTV, on Saturday Night Live (though not on David Letterman, who seems to fear "Bob"). Members have formed great business and 'adult' networks, and are privileged to unusual and suppressed information and products listed in the Church Journal, THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL. The mail that the Church recieves is indescribable. Countless are the witnessings for Dobbs' supernatural Slack Magic; "Bob" does indeed SAVE the MUTANTS!

To some minds afraid to accept the truth, the Church is merely the biggest collective art project, or put-on, since the Pyramids. Others hate us, fear us, call us the "Mockers that shall come in the End Times." If we are those Mockers, then they should THANK US for helping to FULFILL BIBLICAL PROPHECY. The Church has given a lot of jerks an excuse to be even more obnoxious; but it has also given many CRUCIAL INDIVIDUALS the excuse to KEEP LIVING.

If the Church is just a big game, it's a game that has crossed over the border of imagination and become, perhaps, all too real... HELL, FOR ALL WE KNOW, THIS MAY BE THE MONSTROUS ONE-WORLD RELIGION PROPHESIED IN THE BIBLE!!! And, in fact, if The Conspiracy were ever to take it over, it COULD HAPPEN! The time will come when the TRUE Church will once again have to disappear and change disguises, because it must always crop up where they least expect it...

Like YOU, the Church is a chameleon -- it will disguise itself as ANYTHING in order to survive, fuck, and propagate more little Churches. Yes, of course that means this Church is built on a great sandy beach of hypocrisy, changing with each wave that comes in... but where would any religion be, without its fair measure of hypocrisy??

The Conspiracy calls it "humor" because no one can take the full truth. If this Church is a joke, it is the JOKE you can BELIEVE IN. And if it is merely a FAD, merely the "latest thing," then it is the ONLY "latest thing" that lasts FOREVER.

The Church IS a MYSTERY -- here to remind some that the mysteries still exist, and to remind others that they are wrong to think they can understand the mysteries. BE DAMNED GLAD YOU CAN'T!!

Laughter and pain are two sides of the same big stick. Some people can be saved from pure paralyzing horror by being gradually lured, through propaganda disguised as entertainment, to the realization that it isn't their fault: that there really is a Conspiracy. Everyone is intrigued by SCARY SHIT, and those feelings, those yearnings/repulsions are tied to religious feelings of Something Bigger running or not running things, depending on how bad your mood is... we honestly don't want you jumping for the most obvious Something Bigger that comes along because there ARE some Things Bigger, and some of them are BAD NEWS FOR MORTALS.

Why do we do this? Not for 'art'... certainly not out of any sense of duty to mankind... we do it for the money! ...and for THE SLACK, OF COURSE! And so, whatever it takes to bear "Bob's" word of Slack to the Slackless, let us do it. No matter how much money must be lost or blood spilled in our noble quest for greatness, no matter how stupid we must look, or even be, WE MUST CONTINUE. For our holy war, our jihad, is for the glory, not of ourselves, NAY, but of That Man "Bob:" that great Fingerhead of Knowledge who leads us, beckoning, winking, grinning, ever onward... to a future we cannot know. Ahhh, YES!! SMELL THAT CHURCH AIR!! This is a wonderful life we've been born into, an action-packed century! We'll live to see The End of the World! -- and then some.

So -- send in that $20 -- get your ordainment papers and big stack of STARK FIST magazines ... smoke a Fropstick, jack up your footgland, lean back and ENJOY! Because even as you read this now, atoms in your mind are being rearranged... for better or for worse, for good or evil, these we cannot say; these are value judgements peculiar only to this pathetic race of bipeds. There ARE others, however. The Dobbsdrome signal, even on these very pages, IS LOCKED NOW ONTO YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL -- AND YOU ARE HENCEFORTH UNDER THE PROTECTION/ SUPERVISION OF THE DOBBS. This may be why you suddenly feel 'different.' You have taken your first step towards your Destiny.

-- not"BOB" ("BOB"@subgenious.com), June 11, 1999.

Just testing

-- (no@no.nope), June 12, 1999.