hey,fellow believers, don,t let the mockers & scoffers, get you down. remember.>NOAH THEY MOCKED HIM TOO, TIL THE FLOOD came. we,ll see who laffs last.

-- al-d. (catt@zianet.com), June 09, 1999

Answers

I'm laffing alrady at the horrendous typing job. But I'm not scoffing anyone who prepares, and I think that if you feel anyone here is, you just might be a bible-thumper.

-- (foxworthy@heaven.com), June 09, 1999.

Mercy and grace: we need all we can get. So let's give this to each other, OK??? Thanks.

-- -. (dit@dot.dash), June 09, 1999.

al-d -

You might want to drop in over here: Pasto r Chris' Y2K Forum

Bit less active than here at TBY2K, but more focussed on specifically Christian topic re Y2K...

-- Mac (sneak@lurk.hid), June 09, 1999.

ETERNAL SALVATION

-- OR TRIPLE YOUR MONEY BACK

AT LAST -- IT HAS COME -- the final Do-It-Yourself END TIMES RELIGION for SWINGING MUTANTS & TERMINAL ABNORMALS!!

The Church of the SubGenius. The World's First Industrial Church "Breaking the Tolerance Barrier"

LIVE WITH YOUR SINS!! -- "Bob" Dobbs Can Show You How!

DRIVEN TO THE BRINK OF SANITY BY THE CONSPIRACY'S FALSE REALITY AND THE PRESSURE OF A CRUMBLING WORLD?? THEN THIS MAY BE FOR YOU!!

You might be SO OUT OF IT that YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO "BOB" DOBBS IS. Even worse, you may not care! Of course, there's considerable pressure to keep you from caring whether you care or not, and it's so much easier to just let that weight keep you slowed down ... you're used to it... you can take it... it's a living ... you'll just go on about your job ... doing what you're told... ...because everything we say from here on out is going to sound like UTTER INSANITY to you; at least, if you're NORMAL it will... ...uh...

...you are NORMAL, aren't you?

WAKE UP!! Snap out of it! REPENT!! QUIT YOUR JOB!! SLACK OFF!!! ... if only for a second, that's all we're asking. Then you can go back to sleep, or to Hell.

YOU CAN LEARN TO THINK FOR YOURSELF -- BUT ONLY "BOB" CAN SHOW YOU HOW!!

INSTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW NO MASTER!! Technically, this organization cannot exist -- because it is composed of people who are not joiners. The only thing most SubGenius have in common is that they're ALL DIFFERENT -- and they have NOTHING in common with the C.O.N.S.P.I.R.A.C.Y.!! ( Cliques of Normals Secretly Planning Insidious Rituals Aimed At Controlling You) The SubGenius, because it does not "fit in," is actually better than everyone else!

OUR CREED: "Orthodoxy Is The Only Heresy" THIS INCREDIBLE NEW FAITH, AUTHORIZED TO BLASPHEME BY THE GODS THEMSELVES, IS THE FIRST ALL-PURPOSE BELIEF SYSTEM TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH MOST MAJOR WORLD RELIGIONS AND MANY WEIRD CULTS -- WITHOUT EXPENSIVE INTERFACES!!

THE QUEST: SOMETHING FOR NOTHING THE GOAL: WORLD WIDE SLACK SubPurposes: TO END DEATH, TAXES, HUNGER, WAR, DISEASE, AGING, and WORK * "As long as we must work, we are not free." -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs

THE WEAPONS:

THE POWER OF ABNORMALITY, UNPREDICTABILITY, and THE WORD OF "BOB"

THE METHOD: TIME CONTROL TM

through Bullshattering, Morealism, Cynisacreligion, Sadofuturistics, and the Sciences of BULLDADA. and Stupidism..

THE MOTTO: "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE."

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS TRUE -- therefore --

ONLY YOU can read what this means into it. YOU HAVE THE POWER!

"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think." -- Dobbs, 1961

YES -- AFTER ALL THESE CENTURIES of organized "belief" -- a religion that finally comes out and admits that "IT" CAN'T BE SAID because "IT" IS WHAT IS BEING SAID AND DOING THE SAYING AT THE SAME TIME. "Those who know don't say, and those who say don't know." ( The Hells Angels)

"BOB" IS A SEX GOD!!

HE HAS COME AGAIN AND AGAIN TO RATIONALIZE YOUR SINS! You can lose your virginity -- and we'll STILL let you be a SubGenius!

ENTER INTO COMPLICATED PACTS WITH TERRIBLE ALIEN BEINGS!! EXPERIENCE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE SQUIRTING UNIVERSE!!

REGAIN YOUR LOST YETI POWERS As you undergo the unhallowed rites of Glandscaping and Acubeating, forbidden shapes from the shadows will be called forth... you will RELIVE your Inner Memories of past Reincarnalities in Atlantis, where you were once a fullblood Yeti, superior creation of our brothers from beyond the stars. Look perfectly normal while mentally practicing the lost arts of YETINTHROPY. and SCHIZOPHRENIATRICS. (not illegal in most states) !!

STAY TEENAGED OR YOUNGER WHILE MASTERING THE APPEARANCE OF ADULTHOOD!!

TEENS! 'UGLY DUCKLINGS!' Do you sometimes feel like 'rear dwarf in the dinosaur suit'? THAT'S JUST WHERE THEY WANT YOU. Peer pressure to 'fit in' and 'be popular' is THE CONSPIRACY'S BIGGEST SNARE!! Quit wishing you could be like those pink jerks -- if you're a 'loner', SO BE IT! 10 or 20 years from now, if you can avoid suicide for that long, YOU'LL GET THE LAST LAUGH! When those 'popular' creeps are 30 and have drab lives of passion-deadening security and boredom, you'll have gone through all sorts of interesting hell, paid your abnormality dues, and become a cool swinger, getting away with more wild shit than they ever dreamed possible -- because you didn't give up, and kept up the F.I.B. ("Faith In 'Bob'")! That's what we did, and now we're better and cooler than anybody else!

THIS IS THE KEY -- if you can reach the 17th page of this Pamphlet, then you will know that you are already Enlightened.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- SUBVERT FROM WITHIN OR WITHOUT -- THE QUICK, EASY WAY! POLITICS ARE A DEAD END!! The only hope left for human society is PATRIO- PSYCHOTIC ANARCHO-MATERIALISM: every person a Monarch, every yard a Kingdom, every child and dog a serf! COMMUNISM SUCKS and Conspiracy-style "Monopoly Capitalism" is a RUSE. "Bob" doesn't want everyone to be equally POOR -- he wants all humanity equally RICH!!! RICH!!! RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS --WITHOUT WORKING!!! It's a Church of love AND money, AND SENSE -- Common Sense, Sense of Humor, and DOLLARS AND CENTS.

TURN WATER INTO GASOLINE Look at the word, "SubGenius." Anybody could "qualify." It has NOTHING to do with BRAINS; it's not the intelligence, it's how you use it. The SubGenius is not "just below a Genius;" he does not pretend to Super-Knowledge, but to SubKnowledge: knowledge of the Under Things -- the Hollow Earth from whose darkness issue the Nazi Hell Creatures and other Dwellers of the Abyss. It is in contemplation of the Under Things, the "underwear" lurking just under the "clothing" of Existence, that the SubGenii display what genius they have. The study of this substratum, the "foundation garment" underlying reality, is indeed the SubGenius's strength -- and, ultimately, its undoing as well.

KIDS -- you can know Drs. For "Bob"!!

HAS PEER PRESSURE MADE YOU A PRETEEN DOPE ADDICT? "BOB" CAN HELP YOU 'KICK' THOSE CONSPIRACY STREET DRUGS -- AND GET YOU HIGHER, CHEAPER!

Get off false pills and get on "Bob"! -- or get off on false pills with "Bob"! MORE DRUGS AND FREE PILLS

"Better Than The Bible"

When you take the PILS. that "BOB" sends you, everything seems to fall right into place as if by magic! Your Pink Human boss, date or teacher will be bound instantly under your THRALL... every customer will buy your sales pitch ... every cop will look the other way. Like the Zombies for "Bob" say (over and over again, every day), "MORE THEM KIND PILS, 'BOB'!" Like to smoke a little of what's in "BOB's" Pipe? Membership in the Church as an ordained SubGenius Minister makes you eligible to be on the waiting list for VAST SHIPMENTS of the LEGAL IMMORTALITY HERB, HABAFROPZIPULOPS (or "FROP" for short) -- the mind-inverting flower which grows only by moonlight on the graves and droppings of dead Tibetan holymen and fullblood Yetis. 'FROP is not only safer than your cheap Conspiracy street drugs -- it's PERMANENT, TOO. No more "coming down!" No matter how much 'Frop you ingest, YOU CAN NEVER AGAIN GET LESS HIGH. Interested? This cult, the only one that deprograms its own zombies, fills the holes left by braincells you destroyed (you didn't need them anyway). When you join this exalted Order of Scoffers, Blasphemers and True Believers, you'll study TIME CONTROL and MEMORY EDITING until EVEN YOU become ready to PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES and RELAX IN THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN DELUSIONS.

BELIEVE OR DIE Uncontrolled Thinking, controlled by "Bob," will usher in a SPIRITUAL REBIRTH and a CASCADE of ASTOUNDING RICHES AND POWER to those "in the know" -- while billions of deserving Conspiracy dupes FRY in HELL ON EARTH!!

Mr. Reagan thinks there should be more RELIGION in this country. Well, have we got a religion for him!!

MORE NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED THAN THE QABALLAH!! MORE AMBIGUOUS THAN THE I CHING! SCARIER THAN THE OLD TESTAMENT!! MORE MONSTERS AND DEMONS THAN THE BHAGAVAD-GITA!! MORE HATE AND INTOLERANCE THAN EVEN THE MORAL MAJORITY NEWSLETTER!! AND MORE SHEER BULLSHIT THAN THE BOOK OF MORMON!!!

THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS:.

SALVATION, or SALIVATION?

Just Another Excuse for Assholes, or the Last Bastion of "Human" Dignity??

Makers of... DR. DOBBS'. Natural Herbal "WOE-B-GONE" GOOD $ LUCK

Guaranteed Hair Growth Formula (Canine Urethral Glandulars & Capucine Monkey Pineal Extract (Punch-40) MADE IN MALAYSIA Endorsed by DRS. 4 "BOB" " We make illness an art form."

NOTE TO TRUE SUBGENII: DO NOT SHOW THIS MATERIAL TO FULLBLOOD HUMANS. The humiliation of finding out the truth would be too much for their PATHETIC HUMAN MINDS. Or, even worse, they may believe they are SubGeniuses!!

NOTE TO HUMANS: Why are you even bothering to read this? You don't "get" it... it seems obnoxious to you... you this it's "stupid"... because, although we understand how you think ALL TOO WELL, you can't for the life of you understand how we think. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU, ASSHOLE?

NOTE TO LOVING CHRISTIANS WHO WANT TO KILL US: Look, we're for peaceful co-existence. We're not really that far apart. You worship the Vindictive Crybaby SchoolMarm Jesus -- many Subs worship the Live-It-Up, Hell-Raisin', FIGHTIN' JESUS. You worship a dead guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick. Isn't there some common ground? (The Founder of Christianity wans't as asqueamish as his modern fan club. He was compassionate towards the weirdos, sinners, and victims of his day, and he was also PISSED at the NORMALS of his day. And, like "Bob," he didn't want to KILL them, but merely to LEAD them, as a shepherd leads his flock. Keeping them happy until the slaughter. The Harvest...ahhh, yes... THE HARVEST!!!)

NOTE TO ALL WHO WOULD DENTY THE TRUTH OF "BOB" DOBBS: There is nothing lower than a debunker. The debunker is the most despicable parasite in Creation -- worse even that the Critic. DEATH to EST debunkers! DEATH to UFO debunkers! DEATH to WRESTLING debunkers! DEATH TO ALL SUBGENIUS DEBUNKERS!!!! WE WILL BURY YOU IN "DE BUNKERS!!"

J.R."BOB" DOBBS:Big Brother-A-Go-Go 1995 "FOR ALL YOU KNOW, HE MAY ALREADY BE WORLD OVERLORD."

J.R. "Bob" DOBBS -- the High Epopt over all SubGenii -- is no worn- out, overused deity from thousands of years ago, but a LIVING, BLEEDING DIETY FOR TODAY. "He is the Sales Man, the Now Man, the Man of Tomorrow, and the Key to the Gateway IS HIS PIPE." (Godecclessians 3:14) It is because The Conspiracy fears him to the depths of their lizard souls that they try to water down his terrifying message -- and would even deny that he exists at all!! He started leaving hints of his presence in the cheesy ads of the 1950s, following his Divine Emaculation by JHVH-1 Itself -- alien Space God from some Corporate Sin Galaxy. Today, despite persecution and harrassment, his Church is the Zorro of world religions, scratching a bloody 'B' on the beefy seat of The Conspiracy!! He is here to SMITE the Mediocretins, Assouls, Glorps, Conformers, Nuzis, Barbies and Kens -- the FALSE PROPHETS and PINK BOYS who have made "NORMALITY" the NORM!! ALL PINKS ARE LIVING STEREOTYPES -- dupes of the Conspiracy, lacking the spark of originality which is the trademark of every SubGenius soul. AND YET THEY CONTROL THE EARTH. Creatures of such BLINDNESS and VENALITY as these LOWLY HUMANS have never had so much POWER over ALL NATURE before, and there's NO TELLING what might happen. The reins of control must be wrested from Their clammy grip before it's TOO LATE!!

"BOB" is the MYSTIC SUPERSALESMAN on whose WHEELING AND DEALING SKILLS the FATE OF THIS UNIVERSE DEPENDS!! "BOB" is HE who has come to AWAKEN US to the SLACK that has been robbed from our kind for CENTURIES -- the ONLY INTERCESSOR between MANKIND and the STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, that all-smashing force from Above which we must simultaneously placate and defy.

And -- huh? You mean you really didn't know about "Bob" and "Slack?" You didn't even suspect that there was a Conspiracy of NORMALS leeching away your Slack all the time, like vampires who don't know any better -- that there are really two species of upright bipeds on Earth, US and THEM?? You didn't know that?

Oh, well, forget it, we didn't mean you, we meant the next guy. No, seriously, don't worry about it. You don't need to know who "Bob" is. Or was. It's no big deal. Really. Just throw this away. Now. Look for something else to read. You don't want to be CAUGHT with this. PUT IT DOWN NOW. There's something WRONG with THIS PAMPHLET in your hands, it's upsetting you, its authors must be CRAZY, EITHER THAT OR ELSE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE UP TIL NOW YOU HAD BEEN HYPNOTISED INTO THINKING EVERYTHING WAS OKAY, BUT SOMETHING IN HERE HAS TRIGGERED THE SCALES TO FALL FROM YOUR EYES, BUT YOU'RE NOT READY YET... you're having intense feelings of Deja Vu, as if YOU HAVE READ THIS SOMEWHERE BEFORE... THERE! WE DID IT! WE GOT YOU TO READ THIS FAR AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE!

By the way, it wasn't the words that held the code-trigger*, it was THE WHITE SPACES AROUND THE BLACK LETTERS. You will someday be glad we have done this to you, because EVEN YOU WILL EVENTUALLY BE A STOOGE WARRIOR for SLACK and FREEDOM -- if not now, then at least in some future lifetime in which you have more balls or ovaries.

-- "BOB"Dobbs ("BOB"@subgenious.com), June 10, 1999.