Sex during the rollover? Might just wanna stay in your own bed!

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2000 nights

RUSSELL TAYLOR

Some of you may be thinking of starting the next millennium with a bit of sex. After all, this would be a fitting act of love with which to usher in the third Christian era, and besides, you'll be the drunkest you've been for a thousand years. A warning however: some of the standard places where this sort of impromptu copulation is traditionally performed may not be suitable when the millennium computer bug strikes at midnight on 31 December 1999.

Here is a cut-out-and-keep handy guide to the places where not to have your celebratory millennial bunk-up.

The Mile-High Club: At 00.00 on New Year's Day, the chip in the smoke alarm in the aircraft lavatory - designed to catch those having an illicit cigarette - will fail, causing it to go off and alert the cabin staff to the less serious but still illegal act you are performing within. Of course, the flight attendant may be too busy to attend to the matter, as the plane will already have gone into free-fall, since its instrumental guidance systems will fail at the same moment that air traffic control shuts down. As a sexual turn-on, this would only be suitable for those who thought the film Crash was a bit horny and who wondered if air disaster victims might really do it for them. However, if you want to take the risk, I'm sure those "See in the New Year in Five Different Time Zones" Concorde trips will be going cheap this year.

In the lift: As the date flips over to 01.01, one of two things will occur (IT experts are deliberately being pretty vague about the Y2K problem, so panic-stricken multinationals will pay them even larger fees to sort it all out. Either that, or, more likely, they genuinely don't have a clue what's going to happen). One possibility is that the lift will immediately go into free-fall, giving you an exhilarating but tantalisingly short taster of zero-gravity sex, before impacting in the basement and providing the two of you with a permanent experience of mutual necrophilia. Alternatively, the lift may decide the date is 1900 and, finding no record of ever having been serviced, will sink to the basement and close down, trapping you inside until the engineer arrives. As he has probably been attacked by a rampaging food mob or mistakenly targeted by a rogue Chinese nuclear missile, this could be a long wait.

The photocopy machine: This machine will also cease functioning, causing disappointment for those making out on top of it and wishing to make souvenir Xeroxes of their bottoms at the same time.

On the fire escape: At the stroke of midnight, celebrations will be drowned out by all fire alarms and sprinkler systems going off, thus prompting the evacuation of the building by hundreds of sodden (in both senses) people. Any couple getting it together on any designated fire escape route will be trampled in flagrante delicto.

Inside an office building: Any building whose doors are opened by electronic swipe cards will automatically seal all exits and internal doors on the dot of 12. Thus, if you are copulating on such premises, you will find yourself incarcerated. The problem of gradually dying of starvation over the course of the coming weeks will be nothing in comparison to being left face-to-face with the inappropriate person you performed drunken sex with, just as your hangovers start to bite.

In a public superloo: When its embedded microchip fails, the door may open to reveal your nakedness to the masses outside, which won't matter, as by this time, they will be otherwise occupied looting shops and setting fire to buildings. A worse scenario is that you will be permanently locked inside the lavvy with the likelihood being that it will decide it has not been disinfected for a century and promptly flush itself out with scalding-hot Dettol a few times, to be on the safe side.

In the back seat of a car: First, the car alarm will go off, alerting passers-by to what the steamed-up windows had only hinted at. The woman's rape alarm will also be activated, adding to the din. The airbags may also trigger, so make sure you're doing it on the back seat. If you can time your mutual orgasm for exactly 00.00 GMT, the effect could be quite cataclysmic. Unfortunately, as all the car's electronics cease working simultaneously, the central locking system will fail, thus trapping you in the car, and the electronic chip in the starter will be kaput, so you will neither be able to flee on foot, nor drive away from the prying stares of curious bystanders.

In the back of a taxi: Conversely, this is actually rather a good place for your celebratory coupling; assuming, of course, that you are able to find a taxi in the early hours of New Year's morning, 2000. Confidently request the cabbie to take you to your destination by the longest possible route and get down to business with your companion. The electronic meter will break down at midnight, so the driver will, theoretically, be unable to enforce any payment for the trip.

Security video cameras: Good news here, too. All of these will fail on the stroke of midnight, thus preventing the security guard at your office blackmailing you with taped evidence of your indiscretion. Normally, of course, the problem is that not only is your drunken sexual incompetence lovingly photographed, but, thanks to the time code on the picture, the embarrassing brevity of your performance in milliseconds is also recorded for posterity.

Condom vending machines: There seems to be no consensus on what will happen to these potentially crucial Y2K sex facilitators. Either they will completely fail to work, or they will vend all their contents simultaneously on to the floor for free. Whichever of the two options they choose may resolve the hot theological debate over whether the millennium is to herald the Second Coming or usher in a new age of Sodom.

Thought yall would get a kick outa that.

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), April 30, 1999

Answers

Deano,

Thanks for the much needed laugh. ROTFLMAO :-)

-- Sharon (sking@drought-ridden.com), April 30, 1999.


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