[Thanks to Roy at Four Winds alternative energy - www.infoblvd.net/4windpwr - for forwarding the following]

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the mental health institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), March 28, 1999

Answers

Subject: Warning from the Montana Department of Fish and Game

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

-- Ken Seger (kenseger@earthlnk.net), March 28, 1999.

March issue, Inform magazine, John Mancini's page:

An executive is vacationing on the beach. A bottle washes up. He picks it up and uncorks it. A genie oozes out and says, "Look, It's been a tough week and I'm all tuckered out. I can only grant you one wish."

The exec thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted a bridge from California to Hawaii."

The Genie says, "Gimme a break, No can do a bridge. Try again."

The exec says, "OK, Tell me everything I need to know to keep my business from failing in the Year 2000."

The Genie sighs and says, "Alright. Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?" ....

jh

-- john hebert (jt_hebert@hotmail.com), March 29, 1999.