Had an argument with my GI partner tonight. "I don't want to hear about your forums and your circuses...if you were earning more money we could prepare more. I don't want to hear about any of it."

Of course we talked later about all the other things I'm doing,..while trying to get more work (I'm a musician looking for a day job). This is a hard time...it doesn't matter that I plant a garden, that I tend and cultivate and harvest it, I collect containers, I look for bargains...all that's important is the money. I know I'll feel better in the morning...just don't feel very good tonight. Flames expected and ...scuse me...to the flamers: go play in traffic.

-- Donna Barthuley (moment@pacbell.net), March 19, 1999

Answers

You have my sympathy, Donna. Money's necessary of course, but if all that's important now is the money, what does that leave after there isn't any more? Will YOU still be important? Tell your partner that no amount of money will make you any more *ready* for what's to come, just more prepared. No one's going to be 'ready' for Y2K.

You *are* working - only it's unpaid labor. Next time your partner starts this crap, hand over a bill for 'services rendered': gardening, doing the shopping, etc.

My .02 cents worth...

-- sparks (wireless@home.com), March 20, 1999.

Donna,

Maybe this could help?: Check your Yellow Pages and newspapers for ads for gardening services and personal shoppers. Call a few to get their rates. Draw up a bill for your own time accordingly. Add a smiley face logo or two.

-- No Spam Please (anon@ymous.com), March 20, 1999.

Thanks, sparks, I'm sure we'll resolve this. He already came in and tried and I put him off...Y2K in our house has become the focus for all other tensions...We are working people....I am musician, he is a piano technician...we live close to the bone even in non-extreme times...He know we will suffer due to Y2K...times of the year we rock and roll...tonight was not so good...Thanks for your support...I wish I could convey to him the community I find here, in addition to my other friends and family...I can't. We'll get by, we have for 8 years...we are mostly of like mind...Y2k tensions suck, even in GI homes...

-- Donna Barthuley (moment@pacbell.net), March 20, 1999.

Ever reach the flash point where all of this is concerned? When my partner uses Y2K for other reasons it really gets to me...

I'm not doing enough.....don't talk to me about it...non-sequitor statements...Messes with my head in an otherwise very workable relationships....Today started out funky with 2 odd customer calls...I should have paid more attention to the weirdness factor, might not have reacted the way I did...Dangit...can't we lance the boil and get this preparation stuff over with?

-- Donna Barthuley (moment@pacbell.net), March 20, 1999.

I recommend a weekend of heavy drinking, no computer and no y2k. Go buy something totally useless but cool. Don't worry about it. Cancel all appointments. Wild sex. Do NOT answer the phone. Let it ring. Smoke a cigarette...it's OK...you won't die..

Donna...what happens if you die before y2k? Are you prepared for that? We are never prepared for everything in our lives. Don't wait for your next life. Do something this weekend.

And no more posting here until next week...Got It? Now get outta here, you knucklehead.

Sincerely Yours,

-- PNG (png@gol.com), March 20, 1999.

Donna,

Have you considered the fact the guy may be scared out of his mind and is lashing out at you due to frustration?

This protecting/providing for the family is hard wired into our brains and when we get put into a position where we may not be able to protect/provide we freak.

Just my .02

Sean in Indy

-- (SONOSONO@AOL.com), March 20, 1999.

Donna (Logic Woman),

As I confessed here once before, my husband and I had never had a fight in the seven years since we met. We usually "discuss and analyze" like Spock and Data. Until Y2K! We've had several doozies (yelling even)... I had to basically write a term paper for him to get it. His reaction to the whole concept was visceral anger.

I think this is because he did get it immediately, and then went into denial. (He read "Lucifer's Hammer" years ago.)

Good news... he's usually calm now, but it took a while.

-- mabel (mabel_louise@yahoo.com), March 20, 1999.

Donna,

I know you won't be reading this until Monday, as you are no doubt taking our friend PNG's sage advice. Just remember, for good or for bad, there's not all that much time left. We'll know before too much longer what will happen. The time will fly, and then events will make themselves known. Either you and your partner will be able to move on with your lives, or, well, you'll be forced to move on with your lives. You might try telling him this. Either it's not forever, or it is forever...

-- pshannon (pshannon@inch.com), March 20, 1999.

My husband and I split recently. Then after thinking about Y2K some more, we realized that he'd spend all his money existing and could do no prep, and I'd have a little money for prep but would have zero time for doing things (building chicken coop, massive gardening, etc. etc.). Since we also have a 2.5 year old little girl, we decided that it would not kill us to at least live as roommates -- since we are best friends just like we have always been, regardless of the relationship issues -- until say, Spring of '00, when we'll consider the situation. This way any money he makes we can put toward Y2K preparation, and since he has more time than me, he can help with the work around the place.

Shortly before we split, all the fights were about money. Were about me totally hacked off that he managed to work all day, had no time to do anything around the house or for Y2K, yet wasn't making hardly any money (after debts, which I finish paying off for him this month). I was getting hysterical. It seemed like he was an anchor preventing me from preparing and that would be a leech when the time came, one more mouth to feed rather than one more helper. But I think that was mostly my own emotional response to this subject, which has been real difficult for me to deal with -- in short, I was projecting my fears on him.

I used to dream of things that happened later. I once (Jan '95) dreamed of the future, and woke up crying that I "wouldn't get to do a normal life this time." Like the chinese version of living in "interesting times." Now that seems to be coming true (we'll see), and I'm not any happier about it than I was then. I take it out on my buddy (ex-husband) sometimes. He takes it out on me. People on this board seem to take it out on each other once in awhile. :-) Everytime I dive into this I feel like I need a dark corner, a drink, and a therapist.

PJ in TX

-- PJ Gaenir (fire@firedocs.com), March 20, 1999.

Oh Donna, I feel for you! I can only work a little bit these days, Sweetie carries the major burden of income-producing. His income has only just now got to the sum we were making together 12 years ago when I could work full-time. At that time we moved to Norfolk, VA, where women's wages are particularly low due to the large number of military wives. The most I could have earned as a free-lance paralegal was $8-10/hour. We figured out it wasn't worth it. By the time we accounted for my clothes, haircuts, shoes, panty hose, make-up, transportation, taxes, SS, higher tax bracket, prepared foods, all that stuff, I would have been making about $1/hour. Instead, I learned plumbing and simple carpentry, fixed and built things, painted, wallpapered, grew veggies, knitted sweaters, sewed clothes, cooked and baked from scratch, did all the yard work, had time to shop around for bargains, on and on. That way we actually SAVED money by me staying home!

I think your contributions are more considerable than you think. For instance, would your partner increase his share of the housework if you got a regular job? Shopping? Cooking? Gardening? How much more gas and wear and tear on the car(s)? Who sits down and writes out the checks for the bills? Files that stuff? Spends hours on the phone, sorting out mistaken billing? Makes medical appointments? Calls around for the best rate on a plumber? Stays home to meet the plumber (who will be there sometime in the morning, but it may turn out to be after lunch)? Shops for the partner's mother's birthday present? Takes the pets to the vet? Lots of hidden work in a relationship where one partner is home a lot!

By the way, PNG is absolutely right!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), March 20, 1999.

Umm, this is a tough one.Sort of. My partner and I go thru sorta similar stuff- I'm the ant and he's the grasshopper. I tend towards making lists of stuff we need and going at aquiring them at rock bottom prices. He's not that type at all. However, he can do practically anything. So, we sat down and talked- really talked- about just what we could both do- skills wise, and what we really needed income wise. And from this we realized that we both can do one heck of a lot of stuff- and our skills alone are not just useful for a homestead but also quite barterable. But also- we realized just how little money-wise we really needed if y2k were a biggie. We're low-income now, so we're used to not spending much. We don't have any debts however, so this frees up a lot of energy.

So- I've more or less come to accept that while I'll come up with great deals on food or whatever, he'll do the other stuff that counts.

So- perhaps you and your partner need to sit down and talk. Talk about your fears- a lot of this is fear of the unknown. And figure out just what you really need. And it's not just "Stuff" either. What if after you accumulated your Y2k supplies, your house burned down, got "tornadoed" or whatever. Scary thought- but could happen. Much of what you need to accumulate is knowledge and skills and community building. So work at those just as much as buying propane and batteries and storage food. And above all, you need eachother the most- going thru all of this alone is no fun.

-- anita (hillsidefarm@drbs.com), March 20, 1999.

Gee can I ever relate. My partner has the professional job right now and I'm the one putting pieces of things together while I write books (which do not give one much in the way of royalties...) Was working extra hours at a electronic publishing firm, but now am doing less of that and more of the home oriented work and y2k prep work. It's hard without the little bit of extra money I was making, but our quality of life is ever so much better. We both realized that someone had to organize the basement, find the bargains, and tend the garden!!! Good luck everyone out there! And _do_ take y2k breaks every now and then!!!

-- Libby Alexander (libbyalex@aol.com), March 20, 1999.

Re: That Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times."

Don't look at it as a pain. See it as a blessing. The Chinese word for "crisis" is the same as their word for "dangerous opportunity." Think about it.

-- Leo (lchampion@ozemail.com.au), March 20, 1999.