Hello William, I have a very important question for you. I am currently diseased. I have the simple plaque of Bronchitis so to say. Now you may be able to help me. Maxwell is a very strange person as we all of course know. Is there any way that I can send my Bronchitis over the phone and have you make sure that Max picks up the phone at the precise moment. Please also remind him that I do not hate him, but most slow his plans for total world domination. Any help that you can give on the matter will help. Remind Joni for me how bad that Codine Robitussum really tastes!!! Thanks again for all your help

-- Ian McDermott III (woolfedd@hotmail.com), February 14, 1999

Answers

No, there is no way to slow down Maxwell. If there were, I certainly wouldn't share it: I intend to get filthy rich off his world domination scheme. Perhaps filthy rich is the wrong phrase to use; let me be more explicit. I intend to be so rich that Bill Gates will look like (and in fact BE) a pauper. Not only will Bill Gates be poor, Micro$oft and all the other evil empires will be purchased by yours truly, and be my controlling better than half of the stock, I will force them into doing menial things. (e.g Microsoft will be relegated to developing software exclusively for embedded platforms; television remote controls, microwaves, etc. Kodak will exclusively produce nasty consumer film and minilab equipment, and oust themselves from the professional photography industry, after releasing all patents to the public domain. Fuji will do likewise, but 9 years later, because they're not SO evil, and they're a Japanese company. Intel will stop producing x86 and derivatives, after deciding that it's no longer profitable to kick dead whales down the beach only to have their competition come out with something cheaper, faster, and more reliable 3 weeks after their latest chip is released; their R&D will go into i960, 8085, RAM, and possibly they'll get seriously into DSPs. AMD will still kick ass, and Cyrix will still suck, but at a significantly lower cost. Compaq will start making VT100s, releasing them as "the ultimate NC". d|i|g|i|t|a|l will laugh saying "You bought us out to release a VT100 in the 21st century?" IBM will drop the idea of PC's, going back to their original philosophy: "We forsee a world market for perhaps 5 or 6 computers." Apple will try to overthrow Maxwell's "ITIFE" box with a new iMac bundled with an ITIFE emulator and a Playstation emulator. It won't work, because it's still overpriced. Sony will finally go out of all businesses except Professional Broadcast & Studio electronics manufacture.

C'est la vie.

-- William (spqrspqr@hotmail.com), February 15, 1999.

Yes actually...there is a way to stop maxwell, but only briefly, and again, much like william, i will not divulge the most holy of holy's, the art of slowing maxwell down....His quest for world domination is just crazy enough to work. A long time ago god had an idea, he then gave us jesus, (ask jesus about that in his very own column) God had another thougtht, and Steve jobs was born, and then another, John Carmack, and one last thought...it was while he was drunk and high and almost passed out, but never the less a thought, and maxwell was born. He can't be stopped, he will rule the world, he may be slowed but i'm not telling how, besides it's entertaining watching maxwell go 90 mph doing something, getting semi frustrated, hitting the computer, smoking a cigarette in the cold, figuring out the solution and calling himself retarded.

-- Pud (alandmar@cs.nmsu.edu), March 11, 1999.