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Pendennis: Tomb it may concern

Sunday July 14, 2002

The Observer

Mr William Hazlitt was not only one of our nation's most scintillating essayists. He despised aggrandisement. So he might be embarrassed to find that a committee of celebrities - including bouffant-haired TV host Mr Melvyn Bragg, razor-sharp politico Mr Michael Foot and frisky poet laureate Mr Andrew Motion - has successfully raised thousands of pounds to restore Hazlitt's tomb outside the famous St Anne's Church in London's Soho. A noble venture indeed. But what would Mr H have said if he also knew that the famous fundraisers' proposed design for his new tombstone includes all their names carved on the memorial too? 'Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!' shrieks one donor. 'Michael Foot will have his own tombstone quite soon enough.'

· How are Mr Iain Duncan Smith's plans for an 'inclusive' Conservative Party coming along? 'If a woman gets telephoned by someone claiming there's a safe seat up for grabs,' whispers the Tories' former spin doctor Miss Amanda Platell, 'she should assume it's a hoax caller.'

· Unkind detractors might have monickered animal-loving Mr Ken Livingstone Mayor Dolittle. But he's in no mood for compromise. 'In the past five weeks I've been taken aback by just how venomous and vindictive the press is in this country,' the London mayor tells Pendennis. 'I've even had former lovers saying they've been called up by the Telegraph. If I get any more lip from anyone, I'll throw them over a balcony.'

· 'What's transparent and lies in the gutter?' asked Mr Tim Culley, a participant in Channel 4's Big Brother, the other day. 'A Paki with the shit kicked out of him.' The once-progressive TV station has not troubled to remove the ghastly Mr Culley from the show, on which he also failed to identify the painter of the Sistine Chapel last week. But what a masterstroke of advertising for public school education. And in particular for £17,250-a-year Malvern College, of which Dim Tim is an old boy.

· Miss Ann Widdecombe, the terrifying disciplinarian currently celebrating publication of her unputdownable romantic novel An Act of Treachery, has not only dyed her hair a startling blond, she has also lost two stone in weight. 'Ann's been doing a lot of walking,' a devotee explains, quite breathless. 'And she's cut down her regular visits to the "All you can eat" buffet at her local Kennington Tandoori. She's turning into a bit of a stunner, you know.' Steady on!

· A knighthood for towering former Evening Standard editor Mr Max Hastings has no doubt cheered his delectable second wife Penny, soon to be Lady H. The former wife of TV mogul Michael Grade, Penny shared Max's lovely Wiltshire home for years while he awaited a divorce. 'Max is a stickler for the old-fashioned proprieties,' a regular weekend houseguest reminds us. 'He would always say to people "Do meet Mrs Grade" when they arrived. They thought she was the housekeeper.'

· God bless! A Football Association disciplinary committee has fined Mr Campbell Dempsey £30 and banned him for 10 weeks after spitting at an opponent and attempting to headbutt him. Mr Dempsey plays for Heworth Christian Fellowship in the North East Christian Fellowship league.

· The Queen's fiendishly clever accountant Sir Michael Peat has saved her thousands of pounds by introducing dishwashers - the automatic sort - at Buckingham Palace, and encouraging the Duke of Edinburgh to switch off lights. But is the distinguished beancounter going soft? 'We're getting paid £10 an hour,' confided a smiling footman when Pendennis popped into Windsor Castle the other evening. 'It's the best rate for temporary staff in London.' But if Sir Michael is splashing out Her Majesty's cash, at least it's only on the most discerning caterers. 'I always read Observer Food Monthly,' volunteers our man in the periwig. Isn't Prince Philip's charm infectious!

pendennis@observer.co.uk

Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2002

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